Latest Jokes in Black 
  

Tommy's dad brought him to his first Martial art competition.Noting that the organizers seemed a little shorthanded he approached the table."Good morning," he said to the Director, "you look a little shorthanded. Anything I can do to help?""Well it just so happens we're short a fighter for the under 90 kg division," the director replied"Sorry," Tommy's dad said, "I don't know a thing about Martial Arts.""That's OK" said the director.
"We need Referees too."

Top 10 Signs You Are In A McDojo

1. You instructor has a Grandmasters Certificate. In Crayon.
2. The Senior Assistant Instructor is a 4 year old black belt.
3. The sign in the window says the school trains in more than 10 martial arts.
4. It's a Korean art.
5. Your instructor tries to sell you Amway products.
6. While examining the schools tournament trophies, you find 3 for spelling bees.
7. Reading the contract for the school is considered a kata (and a long one at that).
8. No one sweats.
9. While at a tournament, your opponent finds out who your teacher is and high-fives his teacher.
10. When paying for your belt examinations, the instructor asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course he does not know how to properly throw himself to the ground in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places. Also known a 'origami with people.'

Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Back Kick: A kick where you turn your back on your oppenent, then kick them without looking.

Balisong: A Filipino martial art based around complex methods of opening small, very sharp, folding knives and then cutting your fingers off.

Bo: A long stick, similar to the english long staff but spelt differently

Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques; which in defying the laws of physics, and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that his instructor will now him hit harder and more frequently.

Damn: The sound uttered by the black belt's partner- it's his turn now!

Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Front Kick: A kick to the front, at last (see Back kick and Side kick).

Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.

Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu: A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Greenpeace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick that is increadably expensive to buy.

Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ?

Ki - up: A loud shout design to startle your oppenent and help the sale of sore throat sweets.

Kuk Sool Won: A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other four legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Nunchaku: Two sticks linked together with a chain.

Side Kick: Actually at kick to the front. No sense of direction some people.

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tea Kwon do: The art of making a nice cuppa, normally with Earl Gray, as practiced by Captain Picard.

Taekwondo: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together with a chain.

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.

This section taken from a hilarious thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student descriptions are similar----I found it funny that I recognized every single one of the "students"---and so I didn't want to drop any of the variations.

1. Question Lad (aka. What-If?): This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki.
   
2. Captain Slacker: Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki.
   
3. The Interpreter: Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.
   
4. The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.
   
5. The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.
   
6. The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him"
   
7. The Vince Lombardi Wannabe: Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.
   
8. The Whiner. Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)
   
9. The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE.
   
10. The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.
    
11. The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)
    
12. The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.
    
13. The Clueless: He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. [Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.]
    
14. The macho newbie: He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. ;) (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)
    
15. The macho old-timer: He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! ;), and then quickly move on to the next partner.
    
16. The "in my previous dojo"'er: Need I say more? :) Solution: send him on to his next dojo.
    
17. Ninja Bob: is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.
    
18. Every sifu's best friend: wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)
    
19. Mr. Agreeable: Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original.
    
20. Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
    
21. Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.
    
22. The glass menagerie: think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave.
    
23. The natural: has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)
    
24. Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)
    
25. Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.
    
26. Variant 1 on Satori Man: all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.
    
27. Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality bullshit", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for shit". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.
    
28. The Ogler. The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Anoter solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this.
    
29. The Drifter: Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)
    
30. The Hasbeen: used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students.

The Newbie Guide to Martial Arts Doublespeak

When people say...
They really mean...

Japanese martial arts are the best.
I practice a Japanese art.

This art is thousands of years old.
This style is decades old.

The martial arts are about building better people.
The martial arts are about sweat, bruises and money.

Chinese martial arts are the best.
I practice a Chinese martial art.

High kicks are stupid.
I can't do high kicks.

Sparring is extremely important.
I'm good at fighting and I like it and I can't do much of anything else.

The martial arts are about building better people.
The martial arts are about beating people up if they lay a finger on you.

Korean martial arts are the best.
I practice a Korean martial art.

Breaking techniques are very important.
We do a lot of breaking techniques.

I don't believe in grades.
Nobody ever gave me a high grade.

The martial arts are about building better evolved characters.
Like me.

Filipino martial arts are the best.
I practice a Filipino martial art.

Sophisticated arts like Tai Chi and Aikido are far superior.
Sparring frightens me.

He's a good martial arts teacher.
He's in my organization.

He's a lousy martial arts teacher.
He used to be in my organization but he broke away and I don't get any money out of him anymore.

My style is the best.
I don't know anything about any other styles.

Grades are not important.
There's a grading coming up and it's important.

Breaking techniques are useless.
I can't do breaking techniques.

I'm an innovative, free-thinking, modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classical thing.
I'm more interested in teaching than learning; and the Orientals ignore me because they know how ignorant I am.

Martial arts politics are the necessary result of official recognition by respectable associations to protect the public.
I belong to a large, well-established organization.

I hate martial arts politics.
None of the large, well-established organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence.

In this system, we make the art fit the person.
In this system, we make the person fit the art.

Competitions are a waste of time.
I never won any competitions.

Forms or kata are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial arts.
I read that somewhere -- and I've had enough of tournaments.

Forms or kata are useless.
Bruce Lee said forms are useless and this relieves me of a lot of effort, so go argue with him.

One style is not better than another -- it's the individual that counts.
Don't go to another school--it's the style we teach here that counts.

The techniques aren't important.
The techniques are important.

The principles are important.
I wouldn't know what else to do with the principles so it's the techniques that are important.

Bruce Lee didn't know what he was talking about.
I don't know what Bruce Lee was talking about.

Size and strength are not important.
Size and strength are important, especially if you're fighting somebody who's bigger and stronger than you are.

Science and leverage will always win out over brute force.
Except when he's bigger and stronger than you are.

The purpose of the martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego.
I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific.

You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...

By De Stewart

Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.

1. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.
    
2. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.
    
3. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.
    
4. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.
    
5. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.
    
6. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.
    
7. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.
    
8. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.
    
9. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.
    
10. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.
    

Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there.

“Black Belt and Blue Belt “

What do you get when you are attacked by a Black Belt and a Blue Belt? Beaten Black and Blue.